For Big Mistakes

I was at the doctor Friday morning and the nurse had an eraser like the one above on her desk.

At this moment, I wish I had one. But instead for pencil, I need one for life.

I'm having one of those multiple hand-to-head moments that concludes with yelling silently, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?"

It's just one those days where I'm constantly churning the details about what I did, how I did it, and WHY.

WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL?! (insert whining and slow death) 

I hope I'm not alone. That you've had similar situations in life where you could tell yourself to stop talking. That you could do something over again and you promise to yourself that you'd do it differently.

So how do you deal with that? The internal battle of "if I could just go back."

I'm thinking out loud but I'm guessing there's acceptance involved. And hope that if it's meant to be, you'll have another chance. And if it's meant to be, the mistakes will be accepted and nervousness, excitement, maybe even thought of as "cute"? Possibly farfetched but I'm optimistic.

I'm praying that the feeling will subside and I'll look at the past situation for what it is and do all that I can do. Give it up to the Man above. 

Any advice? Pity? Words of consolation?





Note to readers: I hope you laughed at least once. 

Spill the beans.

I'm not sure when it began, but I've also felt the need to cover up my flaws and insecurities. 

When people try to describe me as sophisticated or put together, I silently think, "WHAT?" 

I am not any of those things. If you really knew me, you'd know I'm clumsy, and awkward situation-prone, obnoxious at times and far from poised. 

But the fact that this is little known is not their fault; it's mine.

I don't let the real me show. After all, impressions are everything. 

Earlier this week, I had dinner with a very best friend and felt convicted to tell her one of my biggest secrets. Sadly, she has been my friend for four years and I've covered it up the whole time. I was scared! Nervous. 

What if she doesn't like me anymore? What if she doesn't see me the same? 

She was surprised. "Nincy, you've got to open up about things like this!" 

Can you relate? 

I challenge you to be honest. With yourself and others. Confess your flaws and allow people in your life to really know you! No need to spill the beans all at once (unless you want to, then way to go!).

I don't want to be artificial. 

I keep my relationships few and I want them all to be real. Let them all know the one Nincy--funny and flawed. 

I'm spilling beans all over the place.

The opposite of faith is not doubt.

Perhaps the opposite of faith is not doubt. Perhaps it is fear. To lack faith perhaps isn't as much of an intellectual disbelief in the existence of God as fear and distrust that there is a good God. If I don't emotionally believe, practically believe, in the goodness of God, am I a believer? Don't the believers have to believe? Don't the saved have to trust the Savior? For yes, salvation from sins, but this too: the salvation from fear.

From One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp 

I've accepted this perspective. It echoes what James about faith without works. I used to interpret the passage as my faith was dead if it wasn't accompanied by works.
Now I understand, what is faith if it isn't in my works? The things I do and say everyday.

How do people know you are saved?

I finished!

Yes, I did! I ran 3.1 miles in 32 minutes which would not have happened if my friends we're not pushing (dragging) me along the way.

It was a numbing 19 degrees when we woke up at 5:45 in the morning.
The run that we thought we were running in a shirt and shorts turned out to need layers and layers of shirts and jackets, tights and shorts, 2 pairs of socks and something to cover the ears. Something that's not very easy to find at Target the night before.

Nonetheless we did it. With 10,000 other people!
And eventhough there was a risk for hypothermia, Hanna ran the 15K and ran it well! She finished in an hour and 30.

The best part about the run? The chocolate, duh. That warm fondue hit exactly the right spot.

So proud of myself for finishing my goal! It makes my run in March so much less intimidating. I even think I can beat my time! I guess I just can't believe that the perspective I have now. Before 3.1 miles seemed like forever, and now--I'm ready for the next challenge.

Though paying money to put pressure on my legs and lungs with thousands of other people makes no sense when you think about it (what's wrong with us?), the effort deserves a reward. Chocolate, medal, appreciation, whatever!

Whatever your goals may be, push through until you achieve what you set out for!
If you need something to work for, don't wait for someone else to give you something to do.

When you leave the academic world, it's nice to know that the burden of finishing a paper for the class you dread is gone. But it may have been the one thing that kept you working your brain, your muscles!

Take a step back. Are you doing all that you can do with your potential? Yes, all I did was run a race. A very short one in many eyes. But I need that confidence, that assurance to know that I'm capable of that and much more.

You are, too. Go seek it.

Cycle of inspiration

I finally ran 3.1 miles yesterday. It took 40 minutes and a lot of stopping, sipping of water, and yelling at myself. "I CAN'T DO THIS!" "I CAN DO THIS!" In the end, I had Beyonce and the Barenaked Ladies to thank for my ability to finally reach this milestone.

Three miles isn't much for the avid runner but for this couch potato, it is.
It's more than just the length--I've finally convinced myself that I can make it this far. And I need to because I signed up for another 5K for this Saturday.

The influence that peer pressure has is amazing.

My friends are running the Hot Chocolate 5K/15K this weekend and I couldn't be the only person that didn't run! Plus, there's a running jacket and chocolate involved. All I need is an incentive, people.

Last week, Maize, my lifelong BFFer, let me now that she was impressed that I was STILL running and how big of a turnaround from college. Most importantly, she mentioned that I inspired her.

Was she joking? She inspired me to begin with!

I realized how blessed I was to have friends that push me to live better.

Friends to make me run and not just be the skinny girl, but the skinny girl with muscle.

Friends to make me devote time in the morning to just me and God.

Friends to remind me that there's nothing better than getting mail.
And to never underestimate the need to invest in friendship.

Friends to motivate me to cook. (Ahem, work in progress.)

Friends that remind me that there's nowhere better to be but in the hand of God.







The cycle of inspiration continues. I can't take credit for most of my quirks. Perhaps you can't either.
And perhaps, that's the best thing ever.