01 January 2012

In hindsight

Last night, I was at watch night service with the rest of my church family and was looking forward to sharing my testimony--how the Lord has guided and provided for me this year. I wasn't able to so I thought I'd share my story here.

I've briefly talked about it before but it started with graduating from college with a degree in journalism from Baylor University. I wish I could say I was happy that day but it one of the most frightening days of my life.

I graduated with a degree that my family didn't want me to get.
From a school they didn't want me to go to.

And what they said would happen, did happen. I didn't have a job and in six months, I was to start paying back student loans.

But that wasn't the scary part.

I had to move back home. My plans of moving to Austin with my best friend were thwarted by the economic climate (and UT kids taking all the jobs there).

What came after were months of rage, depression, anger, anxiety and loneliness. I was extremely angry with God for where he was taking my life. I took the rage out on my family, making for tense living arrangements and for relationships that were only hanging by a thread.

In hindsight, their love and patience astound me. My family was unconditional and steady when almost nothing in my life was. It brings me to tears to think of what I put them through. I can say that I'm thankful but that doesn't begin to explain the feeling. 

I started looking for jobs in January and I didn't find one. February came and went. Then it was March. I was tired, weary and at the end of my rope with God. My relationship with Him was nil. I was desperate and a friend suggested that I go back to Him. I started re-reading The Purpose Driven Life and keeping a prayer journal, to remind me of what I was asking for and how God was answering my prayers.

In hindsight, I know that God was testing my faith. I did not depend on him to meet my needs. I thought I could do everything on my own. He had to pull me back and though the wilderness was brutal, I couldn't have asked for a more God-filled year. His presence has been overwhelming. I know He's orchestrating something beautiful and I'm just one piece. My job is to answer His call and be His face on this earth. Though I stumble and fall, He will catch me on put me back on my feet. He always has.

In April, I found a great job. I still live at home and it's been hard at times but great. I'm so happy I got the opportunity to rekindle my relationship with my family after being gone for so long. I still have my best friends but I have new friends, too.

If your life seems like its falling and nothing is going right, it's probably because you weren't going the right way in the first place. Fall towards God. He will make your ways straight. His plan is better. And with Him, you have nothing to lose.

I want you to be all mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests me on me alone--not in other people, not in circumstances. Depending only on me may seem like walking on a tightrope, but there is a safety net underneath: the everlasting arms. So don't be afraid of falling. Instead, look ahead to me. I am always before you, beckoning you on.--one step at a time. Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, can separate you from My loving presence. 
-Sarah Young, Jesus Calling 

1 comment:

  1. You are amazing!!
    Because of your love for God and openness to let Him control your life, even though I know it is not always easy. Love you tons!